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As soon as your parents finish furiously humping you into existence, you embark on a magical journey that in nine months will take you from embryo to baby to unwilling Facebook spam. WARNING: This article has some disturbing images that will ruin your life forever. Have you ever wondered which body part first emerges from a fertilized egg? That’s a really heavy question with some serious philosophical implications. Oh man, wouldn’t it be hilarious if it were the penis? Wouldn’t it be an existential nightmare if it were a solitary anus seemingly stapled to a cluster of cells? We’ll say the brain and heart are first.

Human beings belong to a group in the animal kingdom called deuterostomes, which also includes sea cucumbers, urchins, vertebrates, and everything else that literally comes to life anus first. Imma whip your coelom-filled, mesoderm-lined ass, bitch! The blastopore anus eventually widens like some primitive goatse before tunneling through the blastula until it reaches the other side, where finally the mouth is formed. So essentially, Nature makes humans by constructing two opposing holes and then kind of filling in the blanks. Sleep is such a primal part of our nature.

In light of that, you have to wonder why the hell human babies aren’t born completely crazed out of their minds, considering that, between the third and fifth months of development, they have to live with functioning eyes, but no eyelids. Your eyes start developing around Week 8, and they’re almost completely developed by Week 12. However, your eyelids don’t even begin to form until the fifth month. Until you’re used to the sight, you will broadcast feelings of nausea. Anyone who’s ever had a hernia or mistaken Taco Bell for food can tell you that when your intestines try to escape your body, it’s pretty unpleasant.

Which is probably why we’ve blocked out the memory of that very thing happening to us when we were just 2 months old. Right around Week 6, a growing human will start to form its intestinal tracts inside the umbilical cord, the gut-tether connecting you to the placenta. We could give you a closer look at this. Instead, here’s a tasteful assortment of butcher’s meats. No, somebody’s not trying to keep a baby from sticking to the table by rolling it in flour. That’s called vernix caseosa, and it’s found on all babies during the last trimester of the pregnancy.

Try not to empty your stomach until after you’ve named it. The white gunk is actually a biofilm, and you can think of it as a sealant for a newborn’s skin. Vernix caseosa serves a ton of important functions, like effectively waterproofing us while in the uterus so that we don’t come out all wrinkly and looking like Benjamin Button. The varnish also has mutant-like antibiotic properties and helps with heat regulation. The liquid cellophane usually fades off once your lungs develop and you lose most of your duck-like properties. That’s why preterm babies are apparently drenched with the stuff, but full-term babies only have patches of it left. There is one other good side to vernix caseosa, but it’s not your boon.

We’d warn against using cream cheese as lube, but you’re already headed for the kitchen. Pustular melanosis is a skin disorder that often hits children in utero and manifests itself as a bunch of blisters that pop to reveal dark “freckles” inside them, like some sort of Cenobite Kinder Surprise. Then again, having to deal with a freshly spawned lizard child might be a welcome alternative to giving birth to a kid apparently already in the midst of puberty. We typically think of acne as something we don’t have to worry about until puberty, but because of the leftover hormones from mommy dearest, it’s pretty common in 40 to 50 percent of all infants. However, sebaceous gland hyperplasia differs from the acne you get as a teenager in that it will almost certainly fade before the night of the big dance.

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